Am I not pretty enough - Kasey Chambers

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me,
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break,
I crave, I love, I’ve waited long enough,
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it’s real,
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees,
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man,
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

Why do you see, why do you see, why do you see right through me?x3




I know, it's such an old song.. but I just thought of it yesterday, never felt more befitting!! Feels just like my experience against the world now, and some people in my life. I really want to clarify. talk it out. but never is there a good time.


OH, but don't be mistaken, i enjoyed my birthday this year... it was a blast!! THANK YOU FOR THE LOVE,PPL! And no thanks for the love any of you don't mean.

i'm 21! and it's not all fluffy.

21. the passage into adulthood. wow. sounds all big and signifcant. but in fact, i don't feel very different.. although these few days have sparked the start of a new insight and a new discovery of me..

I felt mighty mighty loved this year... my early bday celebration.. then the one in Melbourne.. and all the  FB msgs and wall posts. smses..etc. so much so much love!! my family... who skyped me and dearest bro who got me the most awesome gift that was put to good use at my party.. i felt like there were so many people who cared about me. And i really should not be sad anymore because i'll only let these people down..

On the other hand, there are new people in my life, and some from my past too, who are dead lousy. Why do I have to be the one that tries?? I've had enough of your nonsense, whether it's ur neglect, ur lack of attention, or maybe just racism. i'm targetting quite a few bunches of ppl here.. ridiculous!! WHY do i have to put up with this? Why am i always the meek one. shit! Why am i the one giving, trying. fuck, am i not worth it??

I'm usually silent in an argument. I tend to take the step back, be the one who compromises, suffering in silence. blah. i also accommodate others, i let them do what they want even tho sometimes i don't really like it. i'll feel guilty if i don't take time to consider others, while some ppl only think of themselves. i always get people telling me "you're too nice!" apparently, that's a weakness. and not a virtue. shit, who knew? if there were more ppl like me, the world'd be a better place, hello! but no... this place is evil and fraught with the realities of selfish shitty ppl.

I also often let these bullies get to me. Be it the neighbours, or the so-called friends.. or stupid ppl at uni. i get upset when they look at me a certain way, or just stare at u like ur specimens or idiots, or being insincere and taking ur niceness for granted, thinking u'll always be there, so they can treat others better over you. BULLSHIT. why should i be upset any longer? i'll cry at the extreme, and i just get myself so miserable. my poor friends who love me so will feel at a loss. and nobody likes to see me emo here, twitter or fb. yet, i don't like to pour my thoughts on others, just on volunteers who are concerned enough to read the blog, fb or tweets....lol. i can't let the ppl who love me down anymore...

At this moment, i really still need a shoulder to cry on... first time i feel like i need one so badly.. ):

I don't want what;s bad for me anymore... I need to get rid of the insincere people in my life, the shitty ppl, the selfish ppl who think they can bully me... especially emotionally. i need to get rid of my stupid belief that if ur nice to others, they'll always be nice back. i need to start fighting my own fights, stand up for myself. be more direct, not be afraid to hurt others. i need to love myself. believe in myself..

with that said, i think it'll be tough... i still fundamentally believe in the goodness of everyone ): but i'll try to be more critical. but regarding getting rid of certain ppl in my life... i'm definitely gonna try real hard. it should be worth it.. better be.

pms-y

the days leading up to one's birthday.. is it supposed to go up and down like waves?? Cos i'm totally on this wavy pms-y line right now.. I'm smiling, happy and content one moment, and crying, depressed the next. WTF?!

I feel loved, yet unloved. i feel very alone.. i lack happiness in my own heart.  ):

Still going on with celebration plans though... lovelove.

the case of daffney

so apparently, Daphne is indeed a really rare name here! (a tad surprised since there are quite many greeks here, and it originates from Greece). When I called the clinic for an appt today, they accepted my name immediately when i said "Daphne".. a little surprised, but i thought "hey they know!"

I even filled a particulars form when i got there today.. apparently they probably don't even look at it. cos the doc asked me every question that was on the form all over again.. and when I came out with the prescription and looked, my name was freakin "Daffney Tan" OMGOMG. i wanted to burst out in laughter, but thought it quite rude to. But i dunno why i cared, considering i should be the one upset about my name being SO GROSSLY MISSPELLED!

And i was still thinking... wow. they're making me/my parents sound like Daffy Duck/ disney fan or sth. daffney. it looks funny! kiddish and weird. gah. I corrected them, and they updated their database, but i'm left with that name on the prescription..

Worse still, i brought it to the pharmacy, and they added an "i" -- Daffiney. which i just saw just now. Truly speechless!!

I will not entertain any comments that says "Hey, i thought daphne is pretty common!" It is NOT! it is rare and special, and truly rare to the point that the above can happen, here in Oz.. I know it seems pretty common in SG, but it wasn't when i was young.. (had it mispronounced in all sorts of ways by a whole host of ppl) I dunno how many ppl must've given themselves the name too! (i say. not counted!) haha. meh. Yea, i know i'm quite anal when i talk about my name.. :P

would u?

i tweeted this.. haha. "to be honest, i miss being in a relationship.. a whole and fulfilling one. i'd love the r/s more than i'd love the guy tho.. lol."



kinda sad isn't it? i think i miss being... wanted. and needed. (not really concerned who the guy is. not entirely anyway) even tho my usual policy is love rather than to be loved. But loving and giving can get tiring... besides, I've made one realisation recently, and that is I don't think I can ever say I love someone the way i know i can love at my maximum. I know how much my love can go at its peak, and it's with my grandma..  it's really an unconditional kinda love, full of respect and admiration, fear of loss, and a test of patience lol!! loving her for everything... i doubt anyone can beat that. well, not yet for sure.

haha, so yea... i might've lost all strength to be the strong one with all the initiative. time i took a step back.. what if i say i want to be pampered, cared for by someone who can be there whenever i need him to be. yet be able to accept i may never love him as much as he does me? would there still be anyone left?? haha. DOUBT IT! AND what if it's not specifically to me, guys out there... will u ever give so much to a girl who might not love u as much?? where do those girls find these guys huh. anyway, i'll be picky too.. blah.

Which reminds me, Amie (a senior at glenn too) told me few days ago that she skypes her bf 5 hours everyday!!! EVERY-freaking-day! for 5 hours!! whatthe?! i'm impressed, but i don't think i could ever do that... and i don't think they just got into the r/s, in fact, their hours are lengthening, what on earth do they talk about? haha. they amaze me la... she's from brunei, he's from sg.. and now she's studying here, he's working and they still find time for each other..all the time. can kowtow already.

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on a completely separate note, my granny went to hospital again last night. but then she's ok now.. it was high BP. i think she was getting worried abt her BP, then lack sleep and got emotionally upset by my parents. ESP my dad!!! raised his voice at her again.. scolded him today for it. omg!!! those 2 (mum n dad) need to grow up!!! i gave them both a lesson cos they're both not patient to my granny at all. told them a buncha things which got my dad a bit speechless and my mum crying.. sth to the effect of always remembering what she has done for them, esp. with bringing me and bro up, and her living most of her life giving to us all. every person has a great story behind her, and i know she has always been a strong woman (went out to work and not stay home and be housewife kind ok!) so let her have her way now.. she's old already, won't want any regrets would we? i think it's an effective way to maintain our patience and love for granny. she's completely ADMIRABLE!! and she's a treasure not a nuisance!

So just now during skype, granny and i looked at each other. i told her i love her. and she immediately teared!! she said she loved me back, and we were both in tears. ohgosh. mutual unsaid words of "totally missing u!!!" were resounding in my head. anyway, my mum promised to be good to her. she better. she's her daughter! geez.

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ok. so... any takers for me?? HAHA.

my crazycool pressie from bro~

I can't keep being the emokid. i've already promised not to be emo eh? So i must neutralise my previous post by being all happy here! :P So earlier this week i got this HUGE AS box in the mail.. so i got my notice to collect this parcel, they even indicated on that paper "Very large!" soo funny! i kinda knew what to expect by then as bro had kinda told me it'd arrive sometime soon. I got a huge shock the first time, like 1.5 weeks ago, when i received an acer monitor.. wondering hard why i was receiving it lol.

Anyway, when i got to the recept, they were like "this box is massive!! u gotta come in, i'll lend u a trolley" haha. yeaaa awesome! so i wheeled it back to my room with Kerry's help. yay!

Photos below to big reveal...

just to show u how massive it is! Bet you've never gotten such a huge box in the mail have u? :P

In that box, carried this! MY FAB 4!! lovelovelove.

this is the back. it's so big cos it's not just the game disc (duh!), it comes with the 'hofner guitar' and 'ludwig drumset'! There's like a printed autograph of Paul and Ringo in this photo too if u look hard enough.

Herehere! all assembled :D

oyes, the mic and micstand comes with it too! :D

Of course, i needed a console to play the game, hey? Here it is, unwrapped!

X360!

Couldn't play it with my laptop, so my bro also got me the monitor (previously mentioned). and a VGA cable for it too! he thought of everything i'm so blessed! cos i'm like a game idiot. and just bcos i wanna play the beatles rock band, he got me everything i needed! MAJOR LOVE! btw, all these are for my 21st bday... no one can beat him this year. FOR SURE. haha. (love bro~ soooo much. i know we're a lot closer than most other sibs i know. thankful for it. he makes me so proud too!)

the game disc is having a bit of problem at some points tho, only been able to play "quickplay" and not "story" which is what i'm dying to play. i wana track the progress of their career and they must have some conversations in there.. the animated them are not bad. really like them. altho not entirely the BEST graphics (in comparison to crazy good ones like in the recent FFs), but stillgreat!!

Already learnt some new songs. exciting! :D

And after this, will probably watch a DVD using my xbox! yay! apparently i can go on msn there too. but typing would be crap so why'd i do that lol. DVD is TKAM! to kill a mockingbird.. i wanted to watch for a while liao.. bought it since last year! teehee.

P.S. i'm totally snacking at night at the moment. crappp. but i'm hungry. and been craving sweets recently. what's up with that? i usually pick savoury over sweet ANY TIME!

P.P.S. some buncha possibly drunk ppl just came and were shouting and being annoying, and i heard them say "just break it! and then run!!" wtfwtf??! got me quite scared. and plus there was one loud bang on my window. dunno what happened. urgh. as long as my window is not smashed i'm not gonna look out man... not now.

emokid

i was going to make this entry a really long one with happy pictures and all that. but it took an entire day to upload everything, and then just a second for my chrome to crash on me and now i gotta re-upload everything. which i gave up after it crashed a second time, barely uploaded 3 photos then. GAH.

not the best of moods once again. so sad. why can't i be more happy and chirpy. like some ppl.... they don't worry much. they do what they've to do and they're happy happy happy. no problems. they don't think abt what's not theirs to worry about. i envy that! how does one stop their brain from doing all these excessive thinking. sucks!!

anyway, i was just thinking... i was getting pretty content with the way things go.. and happy enough about myself. but last night it was like me caving in like some wall hit by an earthquake. i wish i was ignorant of some facts, maybe it wouldn't hurt me as much. haha. i would probably have brushed it off too. but now i can't, and it bugs me to no end.. i feel like a fool... he has called me naive, and not just once too. maybe i should've taken the hint. i really don't wanna be a fool, if i ever was one. i can't let myself go ahead and be stupid right?? so yea. altho i can defend him in my mind with a million things. i would rather not. don't wanna be so spineless. blah.

oh n it's not that i'm not happy with myself, but it's true that not every personality appeals to everyone anyway. oya she's SUCH a vince!! no kidding. just glowy all round. i'm like howard stuck in vince's body. so awkward. tsk. emokid.

i hope u'll feel it if and when i go. at least that counts for sth?