why do i do what i do?

i seem to be having these bouts of depression.. or whatever mental health problem this is. these few days, i rather stay in.. stay in my room all day. don't wanna talk to ppl. once i do, i snap at them. i go from super down to super high suddenly. WTF?!

i'm quite scared of myself. n annoyed. it got better yesterday.. but then now it's back again. the boys (gen n jia) r worried about me.. n they're making me (or gen was) go to gen's place tmr after all for the house hop thing. both wanna talk to me.. and ask me why i'm so emo. I DON'T KNOW. i really don't know... i just know i'm emo.. but i dunno y... n at first it was all bottled up. but crap. once i started blogging, all that pent up frustration is being released now in the form of tears.

i think i'm really scared of monday... i'm trying to be ok. and thinking of all the possible ways things might go wrong. or even if things don't go wrong, about the pain n frustration and unhappiness it may bring. i know i'm a terrible patient. i like to be left alone. but i'm in a house full of women who cannot leave ppl alone.. i'm gonna be a terrible patient for them.. i just know it.

n that also means i won't be able to see ppl for the last week or 2 that i'm here... i'll be an immobile thing on the bed. annoying as ever!! like i already am. i suspect due to stupid hormones too. wtf. yes. why is my body fucking up?! other parts of my body seem to be failing too.. n i just feel unwell. and it's making my mood SOO wonky it's not funny.

i don't know.. i've already met a lot of ppl i care for n miss in sg.. but some i haven't. and due to circumstance or whatever, we still haven't. n with monday rolling on along soon. i just feel like maybe i won't get to meet them after all. n sometimes things get so hard to organise (yes we're all so busy!) that i feel tired. i mean. why am i the one trying all the time huh?! WTF. if u dun wanna see me, then it's ok. i don't need ur fake efforts. n u dun even bother to have fake effort that's the problem.

so yar lor. i feel so GRR. unloved. and don't see the point of staying here. soo much drama and things i've to consider when i'm here. but in melb, i'm all responsible for just myself alone. it feeels somewhat better that way. so i missed melb for quite a bit. but when i look on fb and also think about it. it's not like anyone in melb misses me or that there's any pulling factor there too.. basically the world goes on without me. i don't belong to either place.

i could've chosen the path tonight. to escape to a place. to receive someone's warmth. to hide for a while, just because i can. but i chose not to. i don't even know WHY. FOR WHAT. SHIT, i feel like a damn fool.