iPad

oh and about the topic of ipads.. what's the big deal about the name? it's short and sweet just like iPod, iPhone..etc. (plus the word that comes after "i" is all "P"s.. brand pattern's good what) and iPad actually makes complete sense, does it not look and function just like a writing/drawing pad? except it does even more!!

the word "pad" has so many meanings and all ppl can think of is sanitary pads? seriously?! even for guys? wow. how about, "let's go chill at my pad" <-- pad here probably means some damn cool apartment or house

and haven't we grown up using notepads, writing pads, drawing pads...?!

In fact, the ipad looks pretty awesome to me.. don't tell me u wont get one because it's name is that? then what do u suggest?

PLUS. The freaking iPad doesn't even look like the pad that they are rattling on about. sheesh. grow up!

damn, i thought i can be non emo here.. but i'm still being angsty.

wow. cried buckets just now. allowed myself to seriously cry like a baby. felt lots better... but tiring --" it's really so hard to take care of a stubborn patient, in this case it's grandma.. once again, i find it very tough to take care of someone who doesn't seem to put him/herself as the priority at this time..

i'm stuck at home taking care of her. i'm not complaining (but technically it sounds like i am) but why is it always an assumed job of me? everybody heads out as they wish, not come back as they wish. because i'll definitely be here to take care of her. seriously!! what happens when i'm not around ): i'm sick myself.. can't go near her.. and she just won't listen and i can't physically drag her to bed. it's tough. i can't ignore whatever she does cos i hear her every word and her every movement.. frustrates me! she's turning me so impatient and annoying.. and this time i really can't shout or scream anymore.. i can only let it out when i'm crying alone. good actually, to have a point of release at least. tried to nap yesterday but woke up at every sound i heard and somehow twitched many many times, waking myself up each time... the usual me sleeps really heavily, so it's really amazing how disturbed the sleeps were.

anyway, i've decided i've too many things to take care of now.. i don't have any more energy and time to even care about other things.. so i'll just pretend like i'm dead to this world now. until anyone of u dates me or calls me, i will just be a hermit. anyway, there's nothing else i can do but stay here.. won't let myself leave home even if i tried. sigh. which is why the only entertainment i get is on my lappy, fb, and online shopping. i was quite happy that i got some stuff from hvv yesterday. but that happiness didn't last very long.. i'm depressed again. but just cried it out to mum who came back surprisingly early.. feel a bit better again.

please let these things pass and all things be well again.. i wanna take care of myself... give me the time to do that at least, please!! i'm serious when i say my biggest wish is to not die before or at 21 thanks.

and i really feel alone.. too tired to beg anyway.

aiks im so emo.

alright! granny's op will be early tmr morning.. brought her to another appointment today as well and i think i'm falling sick. also couldn't control myself n got impatient with her again.. i feel horrid cos i shld really be giving her all the love n patience now, especially now that is.

tmr's op will be a simple one i think... still it doesn't mean it's riskless. i'm not as afraid as i was a few months back, being away and not completely understanding the situation... but still nervous. she's a strong woman.. but u can't deny her age. and she HAS gotten weaker as the years went by.. she spent so much of the past 2 decades taking care of everyone at home, and watched me grow up.. my biggest fear is of losing her. especially when i'm away.. if anything happens, i'll just go crazy.

which reminds me of a few months back. i kept crying cos i didn't know what was going on and they hadn't confirmed any diagnosis.. seemed so serious! i was so stressed... i thought of one person i really wanted to hear from. yet had no courage to call. this time i also really wanna share this with the same person, but it seems that also won't happen anymore..

well. can only feel upbeat and hope that everything goes super smoothly tmr... after her health is all-clear.. it'll be time to worry about myself.. i seem to be getting signs of poor health.. probably put stuff off long enough now. time i found out for sure.. but i've been feeling so down lately.. i wish i can get some optimism and strength, but i'll need to somehow make some out of nothing from inside me.. cos there'll only be one other person who can easily help.. but probably won't. just because he doesn't really know..

i promise when everything;s clear, i'm gonna stop all this emo-ing. need to get over this part emo feeling about going back to melb too.. the aussie glennies are all so excited to head back. and i'm just totally "zzzz"... is life back home so bad for them? or is college life that attractive? why don't i feel either. ):

emotional fuckup.

my mind is filled constantly with images of the same person. it never ends. this feeling is familiar, it has happened before.. just different kind of feelings now.. they used to be filled with joy. and now it's.. numbing. and slows u down..

u push it aside, u know it's jogging right next to u.. so yea, it's a numbing sort of pain. dull. but there.

u question so much, but u can't speak. nobody to turn to.

finally u hear of some news.. he speaks. u couldn't breathe. u literally couldn't catch ur breath.. and ur tears well and fall all in that one instant. u let the dam break, the flood wash over everything.. u hate this wall u built, but u've no choice.. u try to let it bring u the calm u wanted.. and we keep trying... that's the only thing we can do now.

):

the year started off quite well, i had a good time with the girls.. then someone gets mad at me for sth i swear i didn't even do. FINE IGNORE ME.

and now my grandma.. she tells me she hasn't slept all night. and STILL she wants to go to her friend's wake. wth?! I mean, it can wait.. i'm being mean by sayig she's not even a close friend. But one has to know her limits right? She can't even walk downstairs without even complaining of all the aches and pains.. and now she's gonna venture out on her own without sleep?!!!? I told her to go sleep, and we'll think of a solution as to how to bring her there after. Not like we don't have a car?

Anyway, she tells me "ok..." but she sneaked out of the house anyway! I dunno.. similar situations have happened too many times. She promises one thing and then stubbornly does another. making everyone so worried about her. I don't know.. maybe it's just me being emotional, but when i ran downstairs to look for her (and it's really a wild goose chase cos i've no idea where the fuck she went) and obviously can't find her, I started breaking down la. WHY!!! she has made me worry soooo much, but she keeps doing things that annoy me. WHY DOES SHE MAKE IT SO HARD FOR ME TO LOVE HER!!! i can't love someone who doesn't love herself.. or someone who won't just accept that she can rest and relax when there's nothing to do, instead of worrying over everyone/thing. she can't go on thinking about others only.. making ppl who love her hurt like that.. i'm so mentally tired everytime.. once again, i feel like packing up and just flying back to aus.. slowly feeling like there's nothing here to hold me back anymore. ARGHH. i dunno. i just wanna escape for a while. (i miss u frens.. but.. the push factors are strong.. ppl i love who dunno or cannot appreciate me.)

RAHH, i'm so tired from this crying... why can't ppl take care of themselves for the sake of ppl who love them? they're wittingly or unwittingly being seriously selfish in thinking whatever happens to them is their consequence alone. and yes, this is a general statement.