wow. cried buckets just now. allowed myself to seriously cry like a baby. felt lots better... but tiring --" it's really so hard to take care of a stubborn patient, in this case it's grandma.. once again, i find it very tough to take care of someone who doesn't seem to put him/herself as the priority at this time..

i'm stuck at home taking care of her. i'm not complaining (but technically it sounds like i am) but why is it always an assumed job of me? everybody heads out as they wish, not come back as they wish. because i'll definitely be here to take care of her. seriously!! what happens when i'm not around ): i'm sick myself.. can't go near her.. and she just won't listen and i can't physically drag her to bed. it's tough. i can't ignore whatever she does cos i hear her every word and her every movement.. frustrates me! she's turning me so impatient and annoying.. and this time i really can't shout or scream anymore.. i can only let it out when i'm crying alone. good actually, to have a point of release at least. tried to nap yesterday but woke up at every sound i heard and somehow twitched many many times, waking myself up each time... the usual me sleeps really heavily, so it's really amazing how disturbed the sleeps were.

anyway, i've decided i've too many things to take care of now.. i don't have any more energy and time to even care about other things.. so i'll just pretend like i'm dead to this world now. until anyone of u dates me or calls me, i will just be a hermit. anyway, there's nothing else i can do but stay here.. won't let myself leave home even if i tried. sigh. which is why the only entertainment i get is on my lappy, fb, and online shopping. i was quite happy that i got some stuff from hvv yesterday. but that happiness didn't last very long.. i'm depressed again. but just cried it out to mum who came back surprisingly early.. feel a bit better again.

please let these things pass and all things be well again.. i wanna take care of myself... give me the time to do that at least, please!! i'm serious when i say my biggest wish is to not die before or at 21 thanks.

and i really feel alone.. too tired to beg anyway.